Married for 5 months and need help

[isabella_7w7]

Well, where do I begin? I met my husband three years ago, he was a drinking buddy of my sisters (clue number 1). So, we dated for 6 months, then I moved home from college and moved in with him. We got engaged July 1, 2005 and got married March 19, 2006. We have always had problems, mostly because of his drinking. My mother is an alcoholic so I know all about that stuff. Well, the types of problems that we are having we have had ever since we began dating. He drinks too much, sometimes will stay out till 8 o'clock in the morning and disappear so I can't find him. He doesn't understand what marriage is about...he thinks more of himself and what he deals with than what I have to deal with. There is no end to the fighting because he refuses to stop the bs with his drinking, I just don't know what to do. He is famous for problem avoidance so, right now we are fighting, and instead of coming home and dealing with the problem, he is out getting drunk. I can't make him stop drinking, he is the only one that can make himself stop. I don't know if I am ready for divorce yet because something in me believes that he will come to the realization that he has a problem. I don't trust him, he has never cheated on me...as far as I know...but with all of the times he has just disappeared without caring that he has a wife at home and that doing things like that is just wrong boggles my mind! He thinks it is normal and when you are married I don't believe it is. What he does is try and lead a bachelor's life while married. I am not ok with that. I need some help...can someone help me with this please???

[darren95al]

I think both of you need marriage counseling. We being married for last 1 years had initial problem of understanding and adjustment. Then a friend of mine suggested a book, ìTen Days to a good Marriageî by Dr. Spammer to counsel ourselves. The book is about making the marriage successful. I think every couple should read it. Even if you find it difficult to make him read the book, I would help you out. I would just sit down and explain to him why you feel the way you and why you feel it is wrong. You are right about the alcohol problem, he is the only one that can make himself stop and it will be only when HE is ready... Maybe explain to him that you need some time away to reflect on your marriage and understand why you are married in the first place and tell him what bothers you. A big mistake in relationships is to be accusatory... don't accuse, be patient... talk things out.
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[saradenise]

isabella,

I hope things have gotten better for you in the last couple of weeks. I am no expert on this... I see two problems, his drinking and his avoiding you.

First, you cannot change or fix his drinking, and if you are in danger in any way, then you should take action to protect yourself (such as getting out).

If you feel safe and you want the marriage to work out, then you need to talk to him about his avoiding you. Go out on a date together.

If he still fails to be the husband you need, you may need to give him a wake up call (such as moving out). And go from there.

Hopefully, he will come around. I wish you all the best.

P.S. My mom divorced my dad when I was a toddler because he "put himself and others above us." Now he is remarried and is the most devoted husband (and trying to be a devoted father to me). I may always wonder if my mother had given him some time, maybe he could have grown into a better husband and father. But I trust that my mother made the best decision to protect us from the (emotional) hurt he was inflicting. She knows in her heart that she made the right decision. Do everything you can to make the marriage work, and then if it doesn't work, you will know that you did your best.

[ashbar]

I don't know how much help I can be, but I can certainly empathize. I was married to my first husband for 6 years. He was exactly like you describe yours....out drinking till all hours with a wife (and later kids) at home wondering if he's dead, alive, or shacked up with someone else. Mine was like a frat boy that never grew up, except he was never an actual frat boy. He was very selfish & felt like he shouldn't have to report to me his whereabouts all times. That's not a marriage, that's having a roommate that you sleep with sometimes.

Now, 2 kids later we are now divorced & I couldn't be happier. But it's not what I wanted. I wanted the "till death do us part" and would've continued to deal with his behavior in hopes that he would eventually grow up, but I just reached my limit. Everyone's limit is different. You'll know when/if you've reached yours. Until then, keep trying. Go to counseling if he'll go. If not, you go. Read self-help books, talk to friends & other people who've been through the same thing, go to Al-Anon.

But do both of you a favor and DO NOT, under any circumstances, get pregnant. Children do not make men grow up. For your sake & any future children you might have, don't make that mistake. I don't regret my divorce, but it breaks my heart when my 4-year-old daughter tells me how much she misses Daddy or says she wants me to marry Daddy. It also infuriates me that he STILL hasn't grown up & now only sees the kids on his scheduled every-other-weekend.

I could go on & on about my experiences but you have to do what's right for you. If you're not ready to leave yet, don't. I don't blame you. But do get help. And trust your gut. Best wishes!